September 10, 2008

have the strength to be vulnerable.

looking back, i felt this was only appropriate for me to write here again. This blog is about you, it’s about a crucial time we went through it, it holds the important moments – the after thoughts, the before memories. it holds the answers to questions we’re searching now. at least it fills the empty spaces inbetween.

i’ve written over 200+ posts throughout the whole two years, but only 84 published. i feel like I’m cheating on this because it’s been privatised, i might open it up again. i feel it’s somewhat important for the world to see it, or at least the chances for the world to see it. I don’t know why, but it feels important. I never really enjoyed the whole password protected – the whole point of a blog for me was to express my thoughts and my feelings at that exact moment and as soon as you press publish, you couldn’t take it back. it was a good feeling releasing it. if i wanted to keep it a secret, but my life isn’t a secret. it shouldn’t be.

the feelings i go through about us and about you, these are important feelings – as stupid and irrational as they might be at the moment in time, they are important feelings.

you’re back again, at a different part of my life.

now, is Nov 2010. I can’t even explain how my life has changed.

I found that girl in 2008 again. I found her, but I’m a better person than what she was now. I know now, I’m meant for greater things, there isn’t a doubt in my head that if I keep working this way, if I don’t give up, I will be the person I want to be, and this person is for the greater good. It isn’t for me. It’s for the world, i want to change the way the world sees things. and I know i can be. I am so much more than I thought I could have been. My photography is going somewhere, it’s going places, slowly but it’s getting there. I never thought at the start of this year, I would be published but I am going to be published. A coffee table book with limited publishing, but published nonetheless. I have met people that changed my life, and I have changed theirs. I change the world slowly by each person I meet. I’ve changed their world by photographing them, their lives.

Because of this, I know, now, my future is headed somewhere. This is the start.

i’ve tried living another life while you were gone. it didn’t work out, i tried finding it another person, that was a bad idea. i found myself through my own doing, through my own efforts, i relied on my own strength, and i found my niche. my calling if you must. and then you pop back into my life.

With you, the only boy I’ve ever felt so much love and heartbreak for, the only person I’ve ever wanted to be with but I couldn’t have.

and I still can’t have you. but i never felt closer to you.

i guess its true, i always knew all along that you were meant to be in my life one way or another. it’s 3 1/2 years in and I still love you as much as I ever did before.

probably even deeper, and i understand it a lot more. and you are a better person. i feel there will be such exciting adventures and times ahead. I have grown so much as a person, and you have as well. it’s only a matter of time that we would be together, and there wouldn’t be another person I would rather be, there wouldn’t be anyone else.

no one understands what we have, but that’s okay, our lives in the future will be unconventional, it is only fitting that it started out being unconventional. you’re perfect for me love. i was more naive last time but now, i know this is for real.

i am doing everything I can to be with you, everyday is just another day closer to you, its another day to work through to be a better person, so i can be the best person i can be with you.

and so, our lives will begin – the best person we can be on our own and with each other.

#192389502-0

September 7, 2009

Yay. I’m here again…..

so what does that mean???

STRESSED OUT !!!!!!!

2 months and a bit till major folio is due…… pretty much i have less than 2 months cos i gotta send it off for printing 2 weeks before!!

also, i got a job. YAY ME : ) But this also means, i can’t go visit J as much to shoot major folio. I’m pretty much working 4 days a week 6 hours shift. Tiring but… good to be working again. Good to have money actually..

But this week has been the worse week of my life.

  • House got broken into – Room trashed. Brother’s laptop/phone got stolen
  • I got sick – really really sick. I’m still sick now.
  • This week…. has been a very chaotic week. Had my first Work in Progress on Wednesday. Along with Surrealism images + Portraits + Prints + Clone & Stamp Test due. (LOTS OF STUFF !!! )
  • Cocoa’s been a bit naughty lately. Probably my fault because i didn’t walk her as much because due to #2 &…
  • The weather’s been crap lately. Real cold/windy in the mornings, and when its nice and sunny, i’m inside the building :(
  • Due to #3, my mates have been in a real… edgy mood but its all gooood.

anyway hopefully this week will be better because i.e

1. I got a job!!!!

2. Not as much stuff due this week : ) Just 2 assignment of portraits &… other mini things.

3. I just cleaned my house. So yay, happy. AND i found 10 bobby pins lol.

4. J surprised me this weekend : )

5. MY PHONE CAP RESTARTS

6. I HAVE A JOOOOBBBBB!!!!!!!!!

7. JOBBBB = MONEYMONEYMONEY :D

8. Goodnight. its nearly 1am hahaha : ) love you all

x esther

I just took a quick glimpse on.. notes I wrote (not seen by anyone) a while ago. And it’s funny, because. I am not 100% sure that I wrote them. I think i did. I mean, I’m pretty sure I did but what i wrote sounded so poetic and poignant.

and i guess, it just baffles me sometimes to think that I thought, I felt that way.

Once again, I am vague with details but details is not important in this matter. It’s an overall general awe that… a entire year can change you, or rather you change entirely in one year.

I don’t know. I’m looking for inspiration, it’s a reverse role now.  I never really looked for inspiration in the past. It… always comes to me, it hits me when I see things that make me feel humane. But lately, everything has been such a routine, i need… someone/something to remind me of who i was.

i feel like i need the girl back in 2008. Just because i need some inspiration. I’m just amazed at how much I can forget and in the ability of photography to allow you to remember.

on a different note: Semester two is looking good. Less hours in classes, more time to shoot.

I have one more set of photos to go for a model then I’ll post images around the interwebs. Keep a look out.

P.S: seriously, someone throw me a bit of inspiration.. :(

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