4:above everything and anything else

I need a little inspiration.

i can barely sleep at night because there’s so many thoughts just running through my head. Constant thoughts that I’m aware of. I make mental notes of it. My head is so filled with whatever stuff it is that sometimes i can’t concentrate. That sometimes, i think sleep is such a waste of time.  Images flashes through my mind sometimes motion moving images. Ideas, themes, locations, clothing, makeup everything just bursts and it’s absolutely insane when you cannot seem to record it down with words. If i try, *yes i do try except it’s in private post*, it just sounds so incredible lame and pathetic. I need to like have some kind of video camera in my head because i cannot retain these images forever. Heh. it gets blurry and less vivid each day. I mean, like each day i don’t achieve it, it frustrates me.

Gah. I don’t even know what i’m rambling on about. I don’t need any comfort. I think what i need is a step forward. A massive leap in fact. Let put it this way: It’s like I’m given some kind of power, information, strength, something that could make or break (seriously) everything. I know it sounds melodramatic. But i’m just so sure that if i can get these images in my head to real life, to absolute perfection. It would be mindblowing. I just have to work to get there.

But it’s so hard when you’ve set your goals to the absolute top and you’re just right at the bottom of the ladder. And this ladder has like over a million rungs. And I’m not even on the first step. Slowly. I can’t stand not being able to do anything. I mean, I am doing something but its not to the speed i want it to be.

Comments are disallowed because I don’t really need anyone’s opinion or comfort or whatever. I just need to get rid of whatever.

Obsession or Dedication.

I don’t just want to have “potential” or “talent” I want my works to be iconic. Different. Unique. Inspiring. Aggressive. I want it to evoke emotion: whatever that may be. It needs to relate to everyday normal issues that people don’t even know till something, somebody brings it up. And i want that to be my photos. You know? I don’t just want to sit back and let society be the way it is. Yes, there are all these problems but i just want to do something for it. I need it to be inspiring.

But then,. I want to be diverse. I know they say you have to choose different aspects of photography: landscape, portrait, weddings, sports, photojournalism, fashion, macro, wildlife, etc. But whose to say you can’t do all of it. I think this is my downfall: I want(or need) to be too many things. I want to achieve different things. You give me choices, and I wouldn’t make a choice: I would do everything.

And what really really really scares me is that if I fail at it. and i don’t mean “my pictures turn out bad” I mean, if the images in my head isn’t even mildly close to what turned out to be. I would try again and again and again. Till perfection is achieved. Well, okay, maybe close to perfection.

And what really pisses me off is when people do not understand what photography is. To me, it’s more than just an amazing hobby. I know i’m over reacting but, it is such an incredible hard industry to break into. Tell me, how many photographers do YOU know? How many more people hope to BE a photographer? And how many people actually ARE professionals?

I will admit i do not know all the techniques and I’m not even mildly close. I have not had any really good experience or whatever with it. I do not know all the rules. And this is what is scary. I know that if i don’t do anything about it, i would give up.

And i don’t want to be like every other amateur photographers.

Make or break.

“If I could write, I wouldn’t be lugging around a heavy camera.”~Anonymous.

But I’m not a writer. I have like the worse grammar ever and like practically no vocabulary.

But then,

there’s a flip side.

If i do make it, it would be absolutely incredible.

And I’m not even being conceited about this. I know I sound like I am an arrogant snob. But, god i can’t even explain it. I don’t give myself credit too much. But if i could make this work, I hope that whatever happens: it would satisfy MY expectations of MYself. And in that, I hope that it would inspire others.

It doesn’t even need to be famous. I wouldn’t care if I’m satisfied with it. And I have a great great great eye taught to look for flaws (Thanks to Miss Elena and my environment when i was growing up: Not necessary a bad thing :]) I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I’m probably the hardest person to satisfy.  What i really hate though is that, when my confidence gets shredded down. It hard enough to get by with low self esteem but it’s harder when others stomp you down.

Yes I know this is a really long post and you’ve probably stop reading half way. but meh. whatever. Nearly 1000.

One of my dreams? Getting hired by National geographic. Or Getty Images.

Or simply, anyone whose willing to pay for me to travel.

But national geographic and getty images would be superb.

p.s i had a perfect make up day today (Lol: just thought i add in something superficial)